I know, I know. Very long time, no blog. I apologise for my absence, it wasn’t planned at all. I took a bit of a break from blogging throughout March and April to focus on other priorities and getting my life together (a lot has happened in the last two months, more to come on that later). However, today’s blog post was highly requested when I got engaged. If you haven’t read the first couple of posts in my Bride To Be Blog series where I shared the “story” of how my fiancé proposed and my celibacy experience, feel free to check those out before this one.
Now onto your FAQs:
How long have you and your fiancé been together?
It’ll be 5 years this August.
How did you meet your fiancé?
I was friends with some of his family through school, so we were aware of each other for a while… but we developed a meaningful friendship through attending the same weekly house fellowship/bible study. #GodDidThat!
Was the proposal a surprise?
Yes and no. I was very surprised by how and precisely when he did it. I really didn’t think when I woke up on that particular Sunday and got ready for church, I was hours away from getting engaged. But I knew it was coming because we talked about marriage all the time. Plus, he actually told me that he intends to propose before 2017 ends… and we had reached October so it was only a matter of time.
Did you read any relevant books before getting engaged?
After being intrigued by the logic behind his popular 90 Day Rule (a dating principle whereby women withhold sex from their partner for the first 90 days i.e. 3 months of dating/getting to know someone), I read Steve Harvey’s “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy And Commitment”. But to be honest I wouldn’t recommend it. Whilst some of Steve’s “advice” made sense, largely the book advocates for a lot of things that just aren’t biblical and I don’t agree with. For example, it encourages playing mind games with your partner to achieve your desired result and purposely saying what you don’t mean. I read this book out of curiosity, I wasn’t really seeking marriage advice! But I’ll save you the trouble, you’re better off not reading it.
And I’ve also read Heather Lindsey’s “Pink Lips & Empty Hearts”, the all-in-one book for The Woman After God’s Own Heart. Now this is a book that I actually would recommend to single women. It was a bit slow to start, but Heather eventually does share a lot of wisdom by narrating her journey through navigating difficult jobs and discovering her purpose as a woman of God. After reading this book it made me more introspective about the kind of woman I want to be.
Do you plan to read any relevant books before getting married?
Yes, I shall be borrowing “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller to read soon, it was recommended to me and I’ve read a lot of positive reviews about it. I’d also like to read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, which covers how to express heartfelt commitment to your partner in different ways. I’m looking forward to reading both. Let me know in the comments down below if you have any other recommendations (they don’t have to be explicitly about marriage).
How did people react to you getting engaged?
People were happy for us. Lots of people saw it coming but a few people were still surprised. Overall the general consensus was heartwarming and positive, which I am truly very grateful for.
When are you getting married?
March 2019, the countdown has begun. 📆💃🏾
Can you give us some advice on finding “The One”?
Ha! When I received this question I really didn’t know what to say. I’ve had a while to think about my best possible answer now, so I will say this:
I don’t believe in “The One” in the conventional sense i.e. that God has designed only one very specific person for you. And you are only 100% compatible with this one person out of all the billions of people wandering this earth. If that’s what you mean by The One then sorry, but I don’t relate. I personally think there’s probably several people out there that you could be compatible with and could ultimately have a very pleasant married life with. That’s why people “click” with lots of different people. However, I believe in God-ordained relationships and marriages, meaning that God has “cosigned” it and He has brought two people together to fulfill His perfect will.
Therefore what God has joined together, let no-one separate. – Mark 10:9
So now the question is, how can you find that person that God wills you to be with?
Honestly, I have three main things to say on this. Firstly, try not to fixate on finding someone and instead, allow yourself to be found. I know it sounds so cheesy but it’s true in my case, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend when my fiancé came into my life, I was busy trying to pass my exams and get into university 😂😳
Secondly, by allowing yourself to be found, you have to actually be worth finding. The Bible says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22), so you really have to ask yourself, are you a good thing worth finding? In more practical terms, this means actively working on your character and developing yourself as an individual person before uniting with someone else. This could be through developing your relationships with your family and friends, getting involved in more activities and hobbies that you’re passionate about, taking on some kind of responsibility, going on a journey of self discovery, getting closer to God, whatever you need to do to be completely confident and whole within yourself, do it!! When you’re single is the perfect time to master yourself.
Thirdly and finally, I suppose you want to know where to “look”. Well, as I said, I developed a friendship with my fiancé through us both attending the same weekly house fellowship. We’d meet every Monday at someone’s house and talk about real life issues that we face as young Christians and read the Bible together (we still attend that same fellowship to this day :)). It’s a bit of a cliche to say that you’ll find good men and women in the church but honestly, it’s not a bad place to start! I can think of worse places lol. This doesn’t mean you should just join a church or fellowship so that you can find a husband or wife, but rather, you should appreciate that God might actually have someone for you in these spaces. More generally, I also advise being as personable as you can be… it’s hard to meet people if you don’t go out and socialise or if you’re too closed off or into yourself.
That’s all I have to say about finding “The One”. What do you think? Do you believe in The One and what advice would you give to someone in search of a serious relationship?
What do you think about feminism and how do you reconcile that with being a (Christian) wife?
Well, without writing a dissertation for you guys, my views are quite simple. I don’t identify or define myself as a modern day “feminist”. This is mainly because feminism as a movement has so many schools of thought and I wouldn’t want to align myself with something so problematic. There are many feminist groups that I categorically cannot agree with, for example more radical feminists who promote abortion and homosexuality. Both of which, to me as a Christian, are sinful.
Here’s what I do believe: men and women are equal spiritually in the eyes of God:
There is [now no distinction in regard to salvation] neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you [who believe] are all one in Christ Jesus [no one can claim a spiritual superiority]. – Galatians 3:28
(and unfortunately not in the eyes of man, because frankly we live in a fallen, corrupt, patriarchal society – a world dominated by men). I believe that women are powerful, women are valuable, and women should have as many opportunities to advance and progress in life as men.
However, I don’t support ideologies that suggest men and women are entirely “the same” or that our differences are just a social construct. God created men and women to be different intentionally. God’s design for men and women is so intricately clever that we are interdependent:
Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God. – 1 Corinthians 11:11-12
So as a Christian wife, I understand that God has called me to fulfill a unique but equally important role in my marriage. And I don’t see anything wrong with that – knowing that I am not the same as a man, but not a lesser being either (See Ephesians 5 for more on marital roles).
How’s wedding planning going?
So much better now. We got off to a pretty slow start to be honest, weeks were rolling into months and we hadn’t achieved much in the first quarter of our engagement. But I’m really enjoying the planning process now. So far this year we’ve ticked a lot of major things off our list e.g. setting a date and booking the venue(s). I’ve also found my wedding dress (eeek!! it’s beautiful!), among many other exciting things.
And for anyone reading this that might be newly engaged or just as a piece of advice for the future… don’t let the planning phase stress you out. People might have lots of conflicting opinions about how you should do things for your wedding; weddings can be extremely expensive and that might cause a strain on you; you might feel like there’s too much to do and too little time to do it… all of this has the potential to be highly stressful, but just stop! Stop and try to find a way to enjoy these little moments as much as you can, because every season is exactly that… a temporary phase in your life which will eventually pass. Your engagement period is a season, it will be over before you know it. It would be a real shame to allow yourself to get so stressed out by planning your wedding that you hardly remember to enjoy the big day itself.
I’ve also got an amazing wedding planner which helps to take some of the pressure off my shoulders – KIT Events! Check them out, I highly recommend their event planning services.
Thanks for reading and for your continued support. As always, feel free to interact with me in the comment section below. I have a bunch of ideas but let me know what other posts you’d like to see in my Bride To Be series.
God bless you!
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. – Philippians 4:8